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Women on Weapons and the Wampeters of War

Chicks love guns. Oh come on, you know you do. Don’t tell me you don’t climb on the oversized, sculpted rifle of a Russian infantryman every chance you get. Lord knows I do.

There’s no war museum like a Soviet war museum. And Kiev’s is no exception. First you’ve got the Touchdown Silver Surfer with her Captain USSR shield and a sword that looks like the kind you make as a child from two pieces of roughly cut wood. She looks as if she might go on a rampage at any minute, but instead she’s just harboring a WWII (or “Great Patriotic War” as it’s known in the former USSR) museum underneath her like an incubating egg.

And inside are the collected remnants of ruined armies—crashed planes, rotten rifles, Nazi paraphernalia, and photos of victorious young Communists. Plus the ambiguous metaphors—the floating phalanx of French horns, the row of about 100 glasses that only served to make me thirsty, and the diorama panoramas that make war 3D without making it realistic. If you’re not going to make your war painting graphically disturbing, I’m not sure why you bother.

Outside, in addition to the ultramasculine statues of brave men holding the line (the staple of most Soviet war monuments), are the usual littering of leftover artillery and tanks. On these pose women and play children, while families snap their photos. After all, what’s cuter than a four-year-old on a 76mm artillery barrel?


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